Marisa

Today, I received news that my good friend Mendelt lost his dear wife Marisa after a courageous year-long battle with cancer (click here to go to their amazing blog). He is my age, early thirties. They have three kids, their youngest just a few months older than my Micah. Marisa and Mendelt have been a shining example of faith in the face of suffering - they have been an inspiration to me. This is so devestating. We were all hoping that if anybody could beat this cancer, it would be Marisa and Mendelt. Alas, it is not be. It is so hard, if not impossible, to understand. This is not the way it is supposed to be.

In between lives

I feel that I am in limbo, stuck between two lives, the life with Paula that was and the life that will be that may be starting to show signs of taking shape (although it is a long way down the road yet). It is a pretty bleak place. It's hard to be happy about this in-between life. What I want is my old life with Paula back. Since I can't have that, well, then I want my new life. But I can't have that yet either. Loneliness... grief... patience... trust...

"In the valley of suffering, despair and bitterness are brewed. But there also character is made. The valley of suffering is the vale of soul-making"
(Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son)

I hope this is true.

Vancouver

Micah and I have recently returned from a trip to Vancouver to visit Paula's parents and our friends that still live in the area. It was a good trip, but a hard trip for me to do on my own. It was strange to be with Paula's parents and with our friends without her. So much was missing.

Monument

I thought I would just let people know that Paula's monument has been erected this past week at Beechwood Cemetary. I've included a picture for those who may not ever make it there. If you would like to visit the cemetary, it is located about four rows in on the south side of the road across from the about the middle of the Military cemetary (near the sign for section #110). The text on the bottom reads "What does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God", a verse from the Old Testament prophet Micah, words that Paula strove to to live up to and to inspire in all those around her. I went back for the first time in a long time. It was very difficult, but it was helpful to have something substantial there to honour Paula instead of just a patch of grass. Micah and I are doing alright, I suppose. Micah is thriving.. growing, learning, running, walking, talking. We have good people surrounding us, nonetheless, I am unavoidably lonely.

A new home & back to work

Well, the summer has come to an end. Today I went back to work for the first time in three and half months. Life is going to be so much busier now. I hope I can handle it. Micah had a great day with my cousin. Thankfully, he is so adaptable that this won't be a problem I will have to worry about. Last week, we moved into our new place. It really is an ideal place for Micah and I. The apartment is beautiful, the neighborhood is great, I have good friends close by. As you can imagine, the move was pretty difficult. The hardest part really was packing up Paula's things. On one hand it was sad to leave the place we had lived for the past two years, where we had started our family, but on the other hand, I know that where Micah and I are now is much better. The move is good thing, yet it pains me to realize that this is a step into a new life that doesn't involve Paula.

I have tried to email our new address and phone number to many of you, but if you don't get an email, and would like to have our new contact info, place send me an email and I will try and get it to you.

Moving

Micah and I have spent a few weeks away: a few days in Hamilton visiting friends and then about 10 days visiting my parents at the Au Sable Institute for Environmental Studies in northern Michigan where my dad teaches a course every summer. We stayed in a cottage surrounded by pine trees, next to a nice beach and a lovely lake. It was good to relax and be away for a while. Micah is doing great. He has taken his first steps and is often very chatty, full of smiles and laughter. He brings much joy to my life.

The past few days have been very tough, probably some of the toughest days of the summer. I am packing up our house as we are moving in the coming week. Going through our things has released a flood of memories of my life with Paula. So many amazing memories. So much pain as the reality of what I have lost is becoming ever clearer. I miss her terribly.

I am actually looking forward to this move. Micah and I are moving into a big old house with my friends Jonathan and Jen Patrick. JP and Jen have just recently moved to Ottawa from Vancouver. Micah and I will be living on the third floor which has been converted into an apartment, while my friends - with their two boys - will be on the two floors below. The house is in a fantastic, and somewhat trendy, neighbourhood in Ottawa called "The Glebe". We are walking distance to all sorts of stores, coffee shops, pubs, restaurants, the Rideau Canal, and even our church. It will be great to have friends close by. Another reason for the move is to be closer to my cousin Bertina Hogeterp who will be caring for Micah during the days when I go back to work in September. Bertina and Paula had become very close as they had much in common including the fact that they were both social workers. I am so thankful that she is able to take care of Micah. Once I have moved, I will email out my new address and phone number.

Thank you for your prayers.

Life has changed (a Lament)

Many people have commented to me how they find themselves living, or desiring to live, in a more meaningful way in light of Paula's death and what she aspired to in life. I hope that this desire or intention has not faded away as time has passed since her death with life returning to "normal" again. I hope that you have been changed, not just for a few weeks or months, but that you really have been changed, or are being changed. I know that I have been changed. Into what, I do not know yet.

"If sympathy for the world's wounds is not enlarged by our anguish, if love for those around us is not expanded, if gratitude for what is good does not flame up, if insight is not depeened, if commitment to what is important is not strengthened, if aching for a new day is not intensified, if hope is weakened and faith diminished, if from the experience of death comes nothing good, then death has won. Then death, be proud." (Nicholas Wolterstorff - Lament for a Son)

The above quote comes from a book that I have found to be extremely helpful for finding words to express the grief and sorrow that I have been feeling and for charting a course for my future. He writes incredibly honestly about his experience with death and grief and how it has changed him.

Life has changed irrevocably. There is nothing that can be done to change what has happened. Through what I have been reading, I am finding that what we have to do is respond to this tragedy in some way. Choices will have to be made in how life is lived from now on. My hope is that in time I will have found a way to live in this unexpected and unwanted new reality that is inspired by Paula's life rather than overshadowed and overwhelmed by death. I do not want death to win. I hope the same for all those who knew Paula or who were touched by this tragedy. I expect this to be a long and difficult road and I am only a few steps into this journey. But it is the right road.

Life has changed. I lament the life that will now never be. What will it be now? I do not know. The uncertainty scares me tremendously.

"I shall look at the world through tears. Perhaps I shall see things that dry-eyed I could not see." (Nicholas Wolterstorff - Lament for a Son)

Micah's First Birthday

This week was Micah's first birthday. This is him after eating his birthday cake with lots of chocolate icing! We celebrated his birthday with part of my family at my sister's place in Pembroke. It was a good day, but it was also difficult. On days like this, I miss Paula so much. We've had to celebrate a number of special occasions without her already: Father's Day, my birthday, Paula's mom's birthday. At the end of July will be the 7th anniversary of our wedding. These days are hard.

I'm not sure if anyone is still reading the blog. I have not written anything for a while since I have been away at my parents' place in Hamilton for a period of time. It was good to be away and to spend time with my parents and with friends. My parents were very helpful and allowed me a time to rest and reflect in a way that is difficult to do when I am on my own. Coming back to Ottawa after being away was tough as Paula's absence is so much more pronounced here.

Thank you to all who have emailed, called, sent cards or gifts for these days of celebration. It is nice to be thought of. I still covet your prayers. Please pray for Micah and I as we begin to adjust to this new and unexpected life we find ourselves in. Please pray that God will continue to comfort and guide us through this dark time. Thank you.

Unimaginable

Bewildered, surreal, shocked, denial, confused, sorrowful, devestated, weary, torn, heavy-hearted. These are words that I have used to describe how I am feeling. This morning I went out for breakfast with a close friend and he helped me realize that these feelings probably all stem from the fact the Paula's death is so unimaginable. It is so hard for any of us to imagine a life without Paula. The thought that she would be gone had never once entered my thoughts and my mind has no way of comprehending the fact that she is gone. I think this is what leads to these events seeming so surreal and leaves me feeling so shocked and bewildered. It is all so unimaginable.

But I must add that in the midst of this sorrow, confusion, weariness, bewilderment, I have felt the presense and comfort of God in a way that I have never experienced before and I do have the knowledge that Paula has been called home. I cannot really explain this in words... it is so mysterious to me. I am not making this up and saying this because that is what I'm supposed to say as a Christian in this situation or it is what I want to believe to be true. It really has been a profound, mysterious, yet real experience. Please continue to pray and intercede on our behalf that God will comfort and strengthen us.

Micah is doing great. He has fully recovered and is so full of energy and curiosity and brings so much joy. It is a strange feeling to be full of so much sorrow and joy at the same time.

Again, thank you for all your prayers and support. Please continue. Emails and posts to the blog are much appreciated as they allow me to read them in my own time and I'm not necessarily expected to respond. Do know that it means a lot to me to hear from you.

Memorial service for Paula in Mackenzie

There will be a memorial service for Paula in Mackenzie, British Columbia (her hometown) at Hope Trinity Church on Saturday June 2 at 7pm.

Life without Paula...

... is very, very hard. These past two weeks have seemed so unreal, like I have been stuck in a very bad dream. I think I am still very much in shock, as I'm sure most of you are as well. It will take a long time for it to really sink in that Paula is gone. I miss her terribly. In our nearly seven years of marriage, the two of us had really become one in that profound and mysterious way that marriage can be. I feel that half of who I am has been torn from me and I even feel somewhat uncertain of who I am right now and who I will be in the future. This wound will take a long time to heal.

I spent the week from the accident to the funeral at my brother's home, which had been "headquarters" for our families. The day after the funeral, I returned back to our home. The traces of Paula were everywhere: lists of things to do, a book in the middle of being read, photos waiting to be put into an album, etc. On the other hand, it has been nice to be home with Micah and reconnect with him again. I didn't really see all that much of him between the accident and the funeral. He was in great care with Paula's parents and I was only able to spend brief periods of time with him. Thankfully, Paula made sure I was involved in parenting, so I'm not completely at a loss to know what to do to take care of him now. Micah is also a very happy child who loves to eat, sleep, and smile which makes this all a little bit easier for me. I amazed that he is able to bounce back so easily. In a way, he will force me to keep putting one foot in front of the other to move through this tragedy, which is probably a good thing.

On Friday, I dealt with a few things that needed to be attended to.. I have arranged to take some parental leave from my job and my dad helped me find a new car. With these things done, I have some room to breath, spend time with Micah, begin to process what has just happened, and make some plans for what I will do in the months to come. I spent part of the weekend at a friend's parent's cottage in Quebec. It was a nice change of pace, and was able to start writing in a journal about what has happened. Yesterday, Micah and I spent time with Paula's parents. Paula's dad and I picked up my new (to me) car and returned the rental car while Paula's mom watched Micah. Today, is the first day where I don't really have anything that needs to be done. I'm just hanging out with Micah. We went for a walk this morning and went to the swings in the park. It is a beautiful sunny day and we had a great time. He continues to amaze me. Later this afternoon, my parents will arrive and my Mom will spend a few days with us.

I want to thank all of you for your emails, flowers, donations, cards, food, offers of practical help, phone calls, and posts to this blog. Although it is probably not possible for me to get back to you in a prompt manner (or maybe ever), I really appreciate the memories of and tributes to Paula, your prayers and the words of comfort and encouragement that you have sent me. Please keep it coming even though I may not get back to you. It is a comfort to know that I am going through this tragedy with the support of a larger community. Although you cannot completely enter in to my sorrow, know that your support and prayers certainly lift my heavy heart and help to ease my burden. Thank you.

P.S. By the way, for those of you who are on Facebook, there is a group set up in memory of Paula, with some more comments and over 50 pictures that people have posted. I'm totally new to Facebook, but it seems to be a great place to connect with people over the internet.

In celebration of

Paula Mary Sharpe Brouwer
April 19, 1976 (Dublin, Ireland) - May 16, 2007 (Ottawa, Canada)

Service held on May 22, 2007

at St. George's Anglican Church, Ottawa

Scripture Readings:
Micah 6:6-8
Romans 12:1-2,9-21
Isaiah 58:6-12
Psalm 46

Audio of the remembrances by Stephen Sharpe and Eric Brouwer
Audio of the sermon by Rev. Jennifer Wickham

The following appeared on the back of the bulletin at the service

Paula was born in Dublin, Ireland on April 19, 1976, adopted into the Sharpe family, and immigrated to Canada in 1981 with her parents June and Gerry and brother Stephen. They settled in the town of Mackenzie, BC. Growing up, Paula made friends easily and excelled in everything she did. After graduating from high school, she went on to study science at UBC in Vancouver and was awarded a scholarship that gave the opportunity for her to work at the National Research Council in Ottawa for three summers.

It was in Ottawa that Paula found two of her loves, rugby and Darren. She joined the Ottawa Indians Rugby Club, finding a place for her passion, heart, strength, and athletic ability which continued with the UBC women’s varsity rugby team. She so captivated Darren that he joined her in Vancouver to pursue their relationship as well as graduate studies. In Vancouver, they made many lasting friendships and Paula was drawn into a transformative relationship with Jesus Christ. Paula and Darren’s love deepened and they were married in July 2000.

While Paula graduated from UBC with a science degree, she was very aware that a career in science was not for her. Her compassion and love for people, passion for justice, and sense of God’s calling led her to return to UBC to study social work. In 2003 they moved to Southampton, England where Paula thrived in her new role as a social worker. Again, they were shaped by many great friendships.

They returned to Ottawa in 2005 where Paula worked for the Canadian Mental Health Association. In July 2006, Micah was born, a wonderful gift from God. In addition to motherhood, Paula was called to be a leader at St. George’s Church, using her tremendous gifts and passion for mercy, kindness and justice.

Paula was our gift from God. She was taken much too soon. Words cannot express the void she leaves behind. But even as we walk through this valley, we have the confidence that God will sustain and uphold us, as He did Paula.

These short paragraphs do not do even come close to doing justice to Paula’s life and how she impacted every person she met.

To share or to read more stories of Paula’s life, please visit www.celebratingpaula.blogspot.com

Alternatively, you can send condolences, pictures, or stories to darren.brouwer@gmail.com

Memorial Service for Paula in Southampton

For those of you in England, Highfield Church in Southampton is organizing a time at the church when people can gather to remember Paula, to grieve and to pray. This will be happening at 5.30pm, Thursday 24th May.

Memorial Service for Paula in Vancouver

St. John's (Shaughnessy) Anglican Church has graciously scheduled a memorial service for our friends in the Vancouver area who cannot make it to a service in Ottawa. Many of you will remember the church - it is where we got married. The service is on Thursday May 24th at 5:30pm. St. John's is at 1490 Nanton Ave., on the corner of Granville and Nanton, 2 blocks south of King Edward in Vancouver.

Donations

Although Paula loved flowers, we all know that she would much prefer people to give a more lasting and meaningful gift to an organization that she felt passionate about. One difficult decision I have had to make this week was to try and come up with a chartiable organization that people could make donations to in honour of Paula. There were so many causes that Paula was passionate about! Obviously I could not distill her passions into one cause, so I have selected three excellent organizations that reflect the variety of her passions and also honour the time we have spent living in Vancouver, England, and Ottawa. In addition, my family and I would like to honour the absolutely amazing care that Paula and Micah received at the Ottawa hospitals, in particular the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO) where Micah was cared for. Please give as you see fit.

Food for the Hungry UK or Food for the Hungry Canada
As part of the "Make Poverty History" campaign, Paula mobilized our Church in Southampton UK to go beyond sponsoring a child, but to actually sponsor an entire village in Kenya through Food for the Hungry UK! Make a donation in the UK or make a donation in Canada

First Place Pregnancy Centre
Paula had such a strong conviction in the sanctity and dignity of all life and deep compassion for women who found themselves in such a difficult situation. Click here to find out how to make a donation.

A Rocha
Paula was deeply in awe of God's wonderful creation and supported this organization who works to be stewards and to care for God's creation. Follow these links to find out more about the work they are doing in Canada and in the UK. Click here to find out how to make a donation in Canada or to make a donation in the UK

Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO)
The nurses and doctors of CHEO were part of the miracle of Micah's survival. Although I was only at CHEO for a brief visit, my family and friends who spent time there had nothing but amazement and praise for the staff who cared for Micah. Please give so that other people who tragically may find themselved in a situation like ours can be cared for as well as we were. Click here to find out how to make a donation to the CHEO Foundation.

Brouwer, Paula Mary (nee Sharpe)

Tragically, as the result of a car accident, on Wednesday, May 16, 2007 at age 31. Beloved wife of Darren. Loving mother of Micah. Cherished daughter of Gerry and June Sharpe. Dear sister of Stephen. She will be sadly missed by her family: Henry and Jane Brouwer, Eric and Brenda Brouwer, Laura and Pieter Katerberg, Brenda and Ian White, Duane and Trish Brouwer, 15 nieces and nephews, and Katrina McCusker. We praise God for Paula’s vibrant, energetic life of service to our Saviour and Lord, Jesus Christ. She continues to touch many with her compassionate and caring nature. Friends are invited to visit at Calvin Christian Reformed Church, 1475 Merivale Road, on Monday from 2-4 and 7-9pm. Funeral Service will be held at St. George’s Anglican Church, 152 Metcalfe Street, on Tuesday at 10am. For donations in honour of Paula see www.celebratingpaula.blogspot.com. Arrangements in care of the Central Chapel of Hulse, Playfair & McGarry.

Published in the Saturday & Sunday issues of the Ottawa Citizen and the Saturday issue of the Hamilton Spectator

Miracle Micah

In the midst of this terrible time, I just wanted to share one small moment of tremendous joy and laughter that happened today. After arriving back to my family after a long day of making arrangements for the funeral, our son Micah was passed to me and I was told to check out his feet. I was shocked to find that he no longer had any casts and was quickly presented with two tiny little casts. I was even more amazed when I was told that HE had taken them off! One fell off as he was crawling around and another was found with him in his crib...he must have got his leg stuck between the slats of the crib and pulled his leg right out. Wow, is that ever Paula coming out in him!! He doesn't seem to be bothered at all with any pain in this legs and the doctors said that if he's not showing signs of complaint that he won't need new casts. This speaks to the miraculous nature of his life. It is utterly amazing and miraculous that he survived the crash, virtually unscathed. This event is but one of many small graces that God is granting me and my family to get through this difficult time. Please continue to pray.

Dear Friends

Dear Friends,

I am sure that many of you have been waiting for more details about what is happening next in order to find out how to express your grief and pass on condolences. It has been very difficult to begin to make these plans, both from an emotional and logistical point of view. As you can imagine, this is all deeply painful, but also we have the wonderful problem of expecting a tremendous outpouring of support.

Not all of the details have been completely taken care of, but I am conscious that many of you will need to make plans for the long weekend. Here are the general details, with more specific details to be provided when everything is completely finalized. The funeral will take place here in Ottawa at 10 am on Tuesday morning at St. George’s Anglican Church (152 Metcalfe Street). There will be an opportunity for visitation on Monday afternoon (2-4 pm) and evening (7-9 pm) at Calvin Christian Reformed Church (1475 Merivale Road at Gilbey Drive). Please check this website for a further update with confirmed details.

Thank you for all of the support and prayers so far. It has been tremendous. I have really felt that I have been sustained by your prayers. I have had clarity when decisions have had to be made and have felt comfort when I break down and weep.

The comments that have been posted have been extremely meaningful to me, beyond what you can imagine. It keeps me aware of the reality of this tragedy when I am on auto-pilot (this is a good thing) and it bring tears of both sorrow and joy as you share in describing what an amazing woman Paula is. Please keep them coming.

Darren

Why this blog

At 6:35 pm on Wednesday May 16, 2007, Paula succumbed to her injuries sustained in an auto accident, and was taken to the Lord. On Tuesday May 15, Paula and her 10-month old son, Micah, were travelling to visit Paula's parents close to her home in Ottawa. Moments before arriving, her car was struck from behind by a truck. Miraculously, Micah survived the accident and has been released from the hospital. Paula sustained severe injury from the impact. She was rushed to hospital immediately. She died surrounded by her family. It is truly a miracle that Micah survived at all. For this, we are deeply grateful.

Paula truly was a special child of God. As a wife, a mother, a friend, she lived a vibrant, energetic life in service of her Saviour and Lord, Jesus Christ. Many of you have witnessed in her the radical, transformative power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and been touched by her compassionate, caring nature. We will all carry a Paula-sized hole in our hearts for the years to come.

This blog has been created to celebrate Paula's life and impact on those she loved. While condolences are appreciated, you are encouraged to share a memory of your experience of Paula. Micah needs to know his mother and Darren needs to remember his wife. Your stories will ensure that she will remain fresh and vibrant in their memories, just as she was in her life. Darren would also appreciate any photos that will keep those memories fresh. Please send these to darren.brouwer@gmail.com.