Paula's Birthday

I must admit that I faced Paula's birthday on Saturday with a great deal of trepidation. I didn't know how to mark this day. Part of me wanted to celebrate her life, but another part didn't want to face the pain of what I have lost. Part of me wanted to just not do anything at all, but this would not honour Paula. Part of me wanted to just be alone. Part of me wanted to be with people so that I wouldn't be alone.

After breakfast, I got our bike and bike trailer out of the basement, pumped up the tires, and Micah and I set out for a long bike ride along the canal and river to the cemetary. We were blessed with a warm sunny day. We spent an hour at Paula's grave. I was expecting it to be very somber, but Micah was full of exuberance. This was a gift to me.

As Micah napped in the afternoon, I poured through photo albums of my life with Paula. It brought back many happy memories, but again, great sadness at the depth of our loss. We miss her so much. In the evening we had a small gathering of friends and had a barbeque. Afterwards, my brother and sister-in-law took me out for a beer.

Thank you to all who called or sent me an email to encourage me on this difficult day.

Today, Micah and I went out biking after supper to a waterfall, gushing with the spring thaw. Micah was in awe, as was I.

I love this kid. I miss his mother.

Birthdays and Firsts

(from Paula's brother Stephen)

I love April. Spring consumes April. April’s vowel is the first letter in the alphabet. With five simple letters it stands alone, undivided as a prime. However, this year April holds two painful distinctions: birthdays and the preface to the final chapter of a year that leads to the anniversary of Paula’s untimely death.

Tomorrow marks eleven months since Paula’s passing. I’m at a loss as how to navigate the coming weeks. Weeks that house Paula’s birthday - in four days; my birthday - in thirteen days; and the anniversary of her death, again, in thirty days.

The coming month also marks the end of a year with the most “traditional” firsts without her. The first Noel came and went, first New Year, first Easter, Halloween and first every other normally benign calendar day that may contain an email or “hi, it’s me” on the other end of the telephone line. And, most importantly, Micah’s first birthday. The pending three dates mark the unwanted triad of primaries that will be the most personal to surpass.

Our parents, for most the part, always combined our birthdays, as we are nine days apart, and that simple gesture belies the woven and natural depth of the camaraderie and adoration that I shared with Paula. Although, funny enough, once out of the nest, neither one of us ever sent a greeting to each other that arrived on time – I guess we just knew we had the whole month to ourselves.

Thirty days from now will likely be consumed with the greatest isolation and sorrow, and will surely bare down with unflinching, painful precision. But our two days this month contain some of my happiest personal memories. And so, in a year of painful firsts, I still love and find hope in April.

Happy Birthday Paula - I miss and love you.

Love letters

Today was a beautiful, warm, sunny spring day, hopefully the end of this long winter. After our traditional Saturday morning pancake breakfast with the Patricks, Micah and I went to the Central Experimental Farm and hung out with the farm animals. Micah loves animals, although he was a bit timid around the real life ones.

While Micah napped this afternoon, I sat outside in the sun on my balcony with a cup of coffee and read through the box of letters and cards that Paula and I had exchanged over the years (Paula was a pack-rat!). I have not had the courage to do this until today. I am not even sure why I did it today.

The first year of our relationship was long-distance, so there were a lot of letters (and emails which are now unfortunately lost) exchanged between us. The memories which reading these letters evoked were overwhelming.

Here are two things I want to share.

In her very first letter to me, Paula wrote:
“I should tell you now (since I am planning to write to you again!)… I tend to use a lot of exclamation marks – I try not to, but I can’t help it!” (August 26, 1996)

This sums up Paula’s contagious enthusiasm and energy that she was renowned for, something that she just couldn’t help but have. I miss this so much.

In a letter to her, I wrote:
“I really feel like I have been blessed in my life - a great family, awesome friends, so many opportunities – but it kind of scares me in a way. I’ve never had to struggle… I’ve never been really disappointed… I’ve never had doors close on me. I just wonder if it will ever come crashing down on me?” (March 23, 1997)

Unfortunately it did.
In a way that I don’t think I could have ever imagined then.

Easter Saturday

Life right now feels like Easter Saturday, that in-between time between Christ's death on Good Friday and his resurrection on Easter Sunday.

I am still in sorrow over Paula's death, struggling to understand, bewildered by it all still, much as Jesus' disciples must of been after his death.

However, unlike the disciples on that Saturday, I know how the story goes. I know that Easter morning lies around the corner. I know that Christ has defeated death and that all things wait to be fully renewed.

There are new and exciting things for Micah and I in the coming year, but we're not quite there yet. We are still in this place between the old and the new, between sorrow and joy, longing for the past but waiting with hope for the future.

Happy Easter.

311 Days

Today, Good Friday, is the 311th day since Paula died.

Micah was 311 days old when he miraculously survived the crash that killed his mother.

Starting tomorrow, Micah's life will have been more without Paula than with her. As time marches forward, these 311 days will become a smaller and smaller proportion of his life.

I lament that life goes on and pushes out our former life. All we have now are stories, memories, photographs, and a few cherished possessions. But it is her that we want, that we miss so much.

Trucks

For those who have been with Micah in the past month or so, you will know that he is infatuated with trucks. He will play with his toy trucks for hours; at his grandparents' he will stand by the window and exclaim "tchruuck!" whenever one passes; when we drive, he points out every truck that he sees. He loves trucks.

If only he knew that it was a truck that took his mother from him.

Winter sports day

The great thing about living in Ottawa is that, if the weather is right, winter can be fantastic. Today I woke up to a bright sunny blue sky and a forcast for about -5 degrees: the perfect winter day. Micah and I spent the morning skating on the Rideau Canal skateway. We skated the entire length (in both directions). Or rather, I skated and pushed him in the stroller. After lunch, while Micah napped (for three hours!), my friend Jonathan and I went cross-country skiing in Gatineau Park. This is one my favourite things to do. Skiing through a silent, still forest is so peaceful. I spent most of the day thinking about Paula. About how we had wanted to instill in our children a love of recreation and the outdoors. About how we had hoped to grow old together and be like the fit Swiss septagenerians that would pass us when we were hiking in the Alps. I miss her so much, but know that she is proud that Micah and I continue to do things we loved.

Decisions

This past month or so, I have been consumed with making decisions, really big decisions. Having to make big decisions on your own is not fun. I so wish Paula could have been here with me.

I have decided to move from Ottawa to Hamilton. I have accepted a tenure-track faculty position in Chemisty at Redeemer University College, a small Christian liberal arts undergraduate university. Professionally, this is a big change for me, going from a relatively prominent research institution (the National Research Council of Canada) to a somewhat obscure teaching university. Personally, however, Hamilton is the closest thing to "home" for me now: my parents, my brother, the core of long-time deep friendships, Paula's brother in Toronto, and perhaps in the long run, Paula's parents. This was a very difficult decision to make, but I am confident that it is the best thing for me and for Micah. I feel a real sense of God's calling and leading in this. Furthermore, this is something that Paula and I had contemplated as a possibility for our future. I am very excited about joining the faculty at Redeemer and I feel that it is a good fit for who I am.

I plan to start teaching at Redeemer next January. I have decided that I need to take some time for myself and for Micah before delving into this new job. I plan to finish my present job in May, move to Hamilton in the summer at some point, and then go to Vancouver for the fall semester to take some courses at Regent College, something Paula and I had always wanted to do. Not only will this experience be great for me personally and spiritually, but it will lay a great foundation for my work at
Redeemer. Furthermore, Paula's parents live in the Vancouver area and I still have many close friendships there.

It will be a bit of an adventure for Micah and I and I am looking forward to what this year holds. But, oh how I wish Paula could be with us for this!

Skiing with Micah

I felt like I hadn't seen too much of Micah this week, so yesterday was a great day spending time with him. We had our traditional Saturday morning breakfast with my friends and their kids downstairs, and then Micah and I went cross-country skiing in Gatineau National Park. Well, obviously Micah didn't ski...I carried him on my back which was a lot harder that I thought it would be! Micah thoroughly enjoyed himself, squealing "Whee..." and "Ooooh.." everytime we sped down a hill. It was an absolutely beautiful cold and sunny day and we skied to a part of the park where there was nobody else, just a beautiful snow covered forest and only the sounds of birds. It was good to be still and silent for a time. We missed Paula. She would have loved it.

Response to Paula's mom's letter

Here is a response to Paula's mom's letter that was published the following day in the Ottawa Citizen (click here).

By the way, somehow the ability to leave comments on the last two posts was somehow turned off...I've fixed that now.

A letter from Paula's mom

Paula's mom wrote a beautiful letter in honour of Paula over Christmas that was published today in the Ottawa Citizen.

Traffic tragedy led to gift of life for six people

I am writing because I owe it to my dear daughter Paula Brouwer (Sharpe), who lost her life last spring after her car was rear-ended by a dump truck in Ottawa. And I want people who knew her to know that six others were given the gifts of life with her organ donations.

We had travelled to your city from British Columbia to spend the summer and celebrate many special events with Paula, our son-in-law, their 10-month old baby boy, and our son who lives in Toronto. On that tragic day, she was driving to have lunch her dad and me. With the baby in his car seat, her car was stopped, with the signal light on, to make a left turn off Prince of Wales Drive into the recreational vehicle park where our trailer was parked. As she waited to turn, a dump truck smashed into the back of her car.

Her dad was outside of our trailer waiting for her to arrive with our grandson. He heard the very loud bang but thought it was construction until he heard the sirens coming and stopping. He ran down to the corner praying it wasn't her car. Our grandson had some injuries and was treated in CHEO for a few days. Paula had severe injuries and died the following day at the Civic campus of the Ottawa Hospital.

She was only 31 years old.

She was a graduate of the University of British Columbia and had received many scholarships including one at the National Research Council in Ottawa. She played rugby for the Ottawa Indians Rugby Club for several years, most recently worked as a social worker with the Canadian Mental Health Association, and was involved in leadership at St. George's Anglican Church. She was loved by everyone who came in contact with her.

She donated all her organs which went to six different persons. Those who knew Paula and her generous spirit would know that providing others with another chance at a full life is exactly what she would have wanted. Whomever received Paula's heart is without doubt the luckiest person in the world. Life will never be the same for her family without our loving, caring Paula. I want her to be remembered by everyone in Ottawa, the city she loved and made her home in.

JUNE SHARPE, Port Coquitlam, B.C.

Rings

For those of you who have had a look at my hand you may have noticed that I wear Paula's wedding band on my little finger, beside my ring finger on which I still wear my wedding ring. This is very meaningful for me, as I have been wearing her ring since that tragic day when the nurse handed me a package of Paula's personal effects prior to her going into the emergency surgery to attempt to save her life. I remember instinctively putting on her rings on my little fingers as soon as I received them from the nurse. I think I continue wear her wedding band because it is so hard to contemplate the fact that I am actually no longer married.

However, there is a problem. The ring is slightly too big for my finger. It tends to slip off in the cold. Like tonight. I arrived back from a long drive from Hamilton to another snowstorm in Ottawa. After unpacking the car and bringing my things to the back entrance, I shovelled about 15 cm of snow off the driveway. When I was finished, Paula's wedding ring was no longer on my finger. As you can imagine, I freaked out and frantically and desparately (and hopelessly, really) looked for this small ring in all that snow, in the dark. I was devestated. Eventually I had to give up looking and went to bring my things from the back entrance up to my apartment. And.. lo and behold, there was Paula's ring on the floor beside my suitcase.

To be honest, I wasn't that surprised. This isn't the first time this has happened. A few weeks ago, I had a similar frantic moment when I realized the ring had slipped off. After a desparate search around my surroundings, I eventually found the ring in my coat pocket a few minutes later.

In the summer, while I was camping with some friends, I suddenly realized that I was missing one of Paula's rings I used to wear on my other litle finger (a beautiful Irish claddagh ring that her parents gave her). We were on a sandy campsite and I had no idea when or where I had lost it. After a hopeless search of the campsite, I had to give up looking for it. I remember being quite distraught and giving this loss of her ring much meaning, somehow symbolic of losing another piece of her. However, two months later I was cleaning out the backpack that I use for Micah's diapers and things and found this same ring at the very bottom of one of the seldomly used pockets.

I started out wearing all her rings that the nurse gave me at the hospital, her Irish claddagh ring, her wedding band, and the engagement ring I gave her when I proposed. After "losing" the claddagh ring in the summer, I decided I didn't want to risk losing the engagement ring. (Plus, the diamond ring looked pretty silly on my finger). The engagement ring is set aside should Micah ever want to use it. But I could not bring myself to not wear her wedding band.

Until tonight. I really thought I had lost it for good this time. I can't take that chance anymore. The third time I doubt I will be so fortunate. This ring is something I need to keep. However, I am sad that I won't be wearing it anymore. Not wearing this ring is somehow another sign or symbol of having to let her go. It makes me incredibly sad. However, at least I am giving it up on my terms and keeping it safe rather than losing it for good, never to be seen again.

Marisa

Today, I received news that my good friend Mendelt lost his dear wife Marisa after a courageous year-long battle with cancer (click here to go to their amazing blog). He is my age, early thirties. They have three kids, their youngest just a few months older than my Micah. Marisa and Mendelt have been a shining example of faith in the face of suffering - they have been an inspiration to me. This is so devestating. We were all hoping that if anybody could beat this cancer, it would be Marisa and Mendelt. Alas, it is not be. It is so hard, if not impossible, to understand. This is not the way it is supposed to be.

In between lives

I feel that I am in limbo, stuck between two lives, the life with Paula that was and the life that will be that may be starting to show signs of taking shape (although it is a long way down the road yet). It is a pretty bleak place. It's hard to be happy about this in-between life. What I want is my old life with Paula back. Since I can't have that, well, then I want my new life. But I can't have that yet either. Loneliness... grief... patience... trust...

"In the valley of suffering, despair and bitterness are brewed. But there also character is made. The valley of suffering is the vale of soul-making"
(Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son)

I hope this is true.

Vancouver

Micah and I have recently returned from a trip to Vancouver to visit Paula's parents and our friends that still live in the area. It was a good trip, but a hard trip for me to do on my own. It was strange to be with Paula's parents and with our friends without her. So much was missing.

Monument

I thought I would just let people know that Paula's monument has been erected this past week at Beechwood Cemetary. I've included a picture for those who may not ever make it there. If you would like to visit the cemetary, it is located about four rows in on the south side of the road across from the about the middle of the Military cemetary (near the sign for section #110). The text on the bottom reads "What does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God", a verse from the Old Testament prophet Micah, words that Paula strove to to live up to and to inspire in all those around her. I went back for the first time in a long time. It was very difficult, but it was helpful to have something substantial there to honour Paula instead of just a patch of grass. Micah and I are doing alright, I suppose. Micah is thriving.. growing, learning, running, walking, talking. We have good people surrounding us, nonetheless, I am unavoidably lonely.

A new home & back to work

Well, the summer has come to an end. Today I went back to work for the first time in three and half months. Life is going to be so much busier now. I hope I can handle it. Micah had a great day with my cousin. Thankfully, he is so adaptable that this won't be a problem I will have to worry about. Last week, we moved into our new place. It really is an ideal place for Micah and I. The apartment is beautiful, the neighborhood is great, I have good friends close by. As you can imagine, the move was pretty difficult. The hardest part really was packing up Paula's things. On one hand it was sad to leave the place we had lived for the past two years, where we had started our family, but on the other hand, I know that where Micah and I are now is much better. The move is good thing, yet it pains me to realize that this is a step into a new life that doesn't involve Paula.

I have tried to email our new address and phone number to many of you, but if you don't get an email, and would like to have our new contact info, place send me an email and I will try and get it to you.

Moving

Micah and I have spent a few weeks away: a few days in Hamilton visiting friends and then about 10 days visiting my parents at the Au Sable Institute for Environmental Studies in northern Michigan where my dad teaches a course every summer. We stayed in a cottage surrounded by pine trees, next to a nice beach and a lovely lake. It was good to relax and be away for a while. Micah is doing great. He has taken his first steps and is often very chatty, full of smiles and laughter. He brings much joy to my life.

The past few days have been very tough, probably some of the toughest days of the summer. I am packing up our house as we are moving in the coming week. Going through our things has released a flood of memories of my life with Paula. So many amazing memories. So much pain as the reality of what I have lost is becoming ever clearer. I miss her terribly.

I am actually looking forward to this move. Micah and I are moving into a big old house with my friends Jonathan and Jen Patrick. JP and Jen have just recently moved to Ottawa from Vancouver. Micah and I will be living on the third floor which has been converted into an apartment, while my friends - with their two boys - will be on the two floors below. The house is in a fantastic, and somewhat trendy, neighbourhood in Ottawa called "The Glebe". We are walking distance to all sorts of stores, coffee shops, pubs, restaurants, the Rideau Canal, and even our church. It will be great to have friends close by. Another reason for the move is to be closer to my cousin Bertina Hogeterp who will be caring for Micah during the days when I go back to work in September. Bertina and Paula had become very close as they had much in common including the fact that they were both social workers. I am so thankful that she is able to take care of Micah. Once I have moved, I will email out my new address and phone number.

Thank you for your prayers.

Life has changed (a Lament)

Many people have commented to me how they find themselves living, or desiring to live, in a more meaningful way in light of Paula's death and what she aspired to in life. I hope that this desire or intention has not faded away as time has passed since her death with life returning to "normal" again. I hope that you have been changed, not just for a few weeks or months, but that you really have been changed, or are being changed. I know that I have been changed. Into what, I do not know yet.

"If sympathy for the world's wounds is not enlarged by our anguish, if love for those around us is not expanded, if gratitude for what is good does not flame up, if insight is not depeened, if commitment to what is important is not strengthened, if aching for a new day is not intensified, if hope is weakened and faith diminished, if from the experience of death comes nothing good, then death has won. Then death, be proud." (Nicholas Wolterstorff - Lament for a Son)

The above quote comes from a book that I have found to be extremely helpful for finding words to express the grief and sorrow that I have been feeling and for charting a course for my future. He writes incredibly honestly about his experience with death and grief and how it has changed him.

Life has changed irrevocably. There is nothing that can be done to change what has happened. Through what I have been reading, I am finding that what we have to do is respond to this tragedy in some way. Choices will have to be made in how life is lived from now on. My hope is that in time I will have found a way to live in this unexpected and unwanted new reality that is inspired by Paula's life rather than overshadowed and overwhelmed by death. I do not want death to win. I hope the same for all those who knew Paula or who were touched by this tragedy. I expect this to be a long and difficult road and I am only a few steps into this journey. But it is the right road.

Life has changed. I lament the life that will now never be. What will it be now? I do not know. The uncertainty scares me tremendously.

"I shall look at the world through tears. Perhaps I shall see things that dry-eyed I could not see." (Nicholas Wolterstorff - Lament for a Son)

Micah's First Birthday

This week was Micah's first birthday. This is him after eating his birthday cake with lots of chocolate icing! We celebrated his birthday with part of my family at my sister's place in Pembroke. It was a good day, but it was also difficult. On days like this, I miss Paula so much. We've had to celebrate a number of special occasions without her already: Father's Day, my birthday, Paula's mom's birthday. At the end of July will be the 7th anniversary of our wedding. These days are hard.

I'm not sure if anyone is still reading the blog. I have not written anything for a while since I have been away at my parents' place in Hamilton for a period of time. It was good to be away and to spend time with my parents and with friends. My parents were very helpful and allowed me a time to rest and reflect in a way that is difficult to do when I am on my own. Coming back to Ottawa after being away was tough as Paula's absence is so much more pronounced here.

Thank you to all who have emailed, called, sent cards or gifts for these days of celebration. It is nice to be thought of. I still covet your prayers. Please pray for Micah and I as we begin to adjust to this new and unexpected life we find ourselves in. Please pray that God will continue to comfort and guide us through this dark time. Thank you.

Unimaginable

Bewildered, surreal, shocked, denial, confused, sorrowful, devestated, weary, torn, heavy-hearted. These are words that I have used to describe how I am feeling. This morning I went out for breakfast with a close friend and he helped me realize that these feelings probably all stem from the fact the Paula's death is so unimaginable. It is so hard for any of us to imagine a life without Paula. The thought that she would be gone had never once entered my thoughts and my mind has no way of comprehending the fact that she is gone. I think this is what leads to these events seeming so surreal and leaves me feeling so shocked and bewildered. It is all so unimaginable.

But I must add that in the midst of this sorrow, confusion, weariness, bewilderment, I have felt the presense and comfort of God in a way that I have never experienced before and I do have the knowledge that Paula has been called home. I cannot really explain this in words... it is so mysterious to me. I am not making this up and saying this because that is what I'm supposed to say as a Christian in this situation or it is what I want to believe to be true. It really has been a profound, mysterious, yet real experience. Please continue to pray and intercede on our behalf that God will comfort and strengthen us.

Micah is doing great. He has fully recovered and is so full of energy and curiosity and brings so much joy. It is a strange feeling to be full of so much sorrow and joy at the same time.

Again, thank you for all your prayers and support. Please continue. Emails and posts to the blog are much appreciated as they allow me to read them in my own time and I'm not necessarily expected to respond. Do know that it means a lot to me to hear from you.

Memorial service for Paula in Mackenzie

There will be a memorial service for Paula in Mackenzie, British Columbia (her hometown) at Hope Trinity Church on Saturday June 2 at 7pm.

Life without Paula...

... is very, very hard. These past two weeks have seemed so unreal, like I have been stuck in a very bad dream. I think I am still very much in shock, as I'm sure most of you are as well. It will take a long time for it to really sink in that Paula is gone. I miss her terribly. In our nearly seven years of marriage, the two of us had really become one in that profound and mysterious way that marriage can be. I feel that half of who I am has been torn from me and I even feel somewhat uncertain of who I am right now and who I will be in the future. This wound will take a long time to heal.

I spent the week from the accident to the funeral at my brother's home, which had been "headquarters" for our families. The day after the funeral, I returned back to our home. The traces of Paula were everywhere: lists of things to do, a book in the middle of being read, photos waiting to be put into an album, etc. On the other hand, it has been nice to be home with Micah and reconnect with him again. I didn't really see all that much of him between the accident and the funeral. He was in great care with Paula's parents and I was only able to spend brief periods of time with him. Thankfully, Paula made sure I was involved in parenting, so I'm not completely at a loss to know what to do to take care of him now. Micah is also a very happy child who loves to eat, sleep, and smile which makes this all a little bit easier for me. I amazed that he is able to bounce back so easily. In a way, he will force me to keep putting one foot in front of the other to move through this tragedy, which is probably a good thing.

On Friday, I dealt with a few things that needed to be attended to.. I have arranged to take some parental leave from my job and my dad helped me find a new car. With these things done, I have some room to breath, spend time with Micah, begin to process what has just happened, and make some plans for what I will do in the months to come. I spent part of the weekend at a friend's parent's cottage in Quebec. It was a nice change of pace, and was able to start writing in a journal about what has happened. Yesterday, Micah and I spent time with Paula's parents. Paula's dad and I picked up my new (to me) car and returned the rental car while Paula's mom watched Micah. Today, is the first day where I don't really have anything that needs to be done. I'm just hanging out with Micah. We went for a walk this morning and went to the swings in the park. It is a beautiful sunny day and we had a great time. He continues to amaze me. Later this afternoon, my parents will arrive and my Mom will spend a few days with us.

I want to thank all of you for your emails, flowers, donations, cards, food, offers of practical help, phone calls, and posts to this blog. Although it is probably not possible for me to get back to you in a prompt manner (or maybe ever), I really appreciate the memories of and tributes to Paula, your prayers and the words of comfort and encouragement that you have sent me. Please keep it coming even though I may not get back to you. It is a comfort to know that I am going through this tragedy with the support of a larger community. Although you cannot completely enter in to my sorrow, know that your support and prayers certainly lift my heavy heart and help to ease my burden. Thank you.

P.S. By the way, for those of you who are on Facebook, there is a group set up in memory of Paula, with some more comments and over 50 pictures that people have posted. I'm totally new to Facebook, but it seems to be a great place to connect with people over the internet.

In celebration of

Paula Mary Sharpe Brouwer
April 19, 1976 (Dublin, Ireland) - May 16, 2007 (Ottawa, Canada)

Service held on May 22, 2007

at St. George's Anglican Church, Ottawa

Scripture Readings:
Micah 6:6-8
Romans 12:1-2,9-21
Isaiah 58:6-12
Psalm 46

Audio of the remembrances by Stephen Sharpe and Eric Brouwer
Audio of the sermon by Rev. Jennifer Wickham

The following appeared on the back of the bulletin at the service

Paula was born in Dublin, Ireland on April 19, 1976, adopted into the Sharpe family, and immigrated to Canada in 1981 with her parents June and Gerry and brother Stephen. They settled in the town of Mackenzie, BC. Growing up, Paula made friends easily and excelled in everything she did. After graduating from high school, she went on to study science at UBC in Vancouver and was awarded a scholarship that gave the opportunity for her to work at the National Research Council in Ottawa for three summers.

It was in Ottawa that Paula found two of her loves, rugby and Darren. She joined the Ottawa Indians Rugby Club, finding a place for her passion, heart, strength, and athletic ability which continued with the UBC women’s varsity rugby team. She so captivated Darren that he joined her in Vancouver to pursue their relationship as well as graduate studies. In Vancouver, they made many lasting friendships and Paula was drawn into a transformative relationship with Jesus Christ. Paula and Darren’s love deepened and they were married in July 2000.

While Paula graduated from UBC with a science degree, she was very aware that a career in science was not for her. Her compassion and love for people, passion for justice, and sense of God’s calling led her to return to UBC to study social work. In 2003 they moved to Southampton, England where Paula thrived in her new role as a social worker. Again, they were shaped by many great friendships.

They returned to Ottawa in 2005 where Paula worked for the Canadian Mental Health Association. In July 2006, Micah was born, a wonderful gift from God. In addition to motherhood, Paula was called to be a leader at St. George’s Church, using her tremendous gifts and passion for mercy, kindness and justice.

Paula was our gift from God. She was taken much too soon. Words cannot express the void she leaves behind. But even as we walk through this valley, we have the confidence that God will sustain and uphold us, as He did Paula.

These short paragraphs do not do even come close to doing justice to Paula’s life and how she impacted every person she met.

To share or to read more stories of Paula’s life, please visit www.celebratingpaula.blogspot.com

Alternatively, you can send condolences, pictures, or stories to darren.brouwer@gmail.com

Memorial Service for Paula in Southampton

For those of you in England, Highfield Church in Southampton is organizing a time at the church when people can gather to remember Paula, to grieve and to pray. This will be happening at 5.30pm, Thursday 24th May.

Memorial Service for Paula in Vancouver

St. John's (Shaughnessy) Anglican Church has graciously scheduled a memorial service for our friends in the Vancouver area who cannot make it to a service in Ottawa. Many of you will remember the church - it is where we got married. The service is on Thursday May 24th at 5:30pm. St. John's is at 1490 Nanton Ave., on the corner of Granville and Nanton, 2 blocks south of King Edward in Vancouver.

Donations

Although Paula loved flowers, we all know that she would much prefer people to give a more lasting and meaningful gift to an organization that she felt passionate about. One difficult decision I have had to make this week was to try and come up with a chartiable organization that people could make donations to in honour of Paula. There were so many causes that Paula was passionate about! Obviously I could not distill her passions into one cause, so I have selected three excellent organizations that reflect the variety of her passions and also honour the time we have spent living in Vancouver, England, and Ottawa. In addition, my family and I would like to honour the absolutely amazing care that Paula and Micah received at the Ottawa hospitals, in particular the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO) where Micah was cared for. Please give as you see fit.

Food for the Hungry UK or Food for the Hungry Canada
As part of the "Make Poverty History" campaign, Paula mobilized our Church in Southampton UK to go beyond sponsoring a child, but to actually sponsor an entire village in Kenya through Food for the Hungry UK! Make a donation in the UK or make a donation in Canada

First Place Pregnancy Centre
Paula had such a strong conviction in the sanctity and dignity of all life and deep compassion for women who found themselves in such a difficult situation. Click here to find out how to make a donation.

A Rocha
Paula was deeply in awe of God's wonderful creation and supported this organization who works to be stewards and to care for God's creation. Follow these links to find out more about the work they are doing in Canada and in the UK. Click here to find out how to make a donation in Canada or to make a donation in the UK

Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO)
The nurses and doctors of CHEO were part of the miracle of Micah's survival. Although I was only at CHEO for a brief visit, my family and friends who spent time there had nothing but amazement and praise for the staff who cared for Micah. Please give so that other people who tragically may find themselved in a situation like ours can be cared for as well as we were. Click here to find out how to make a donation to the CHEO Foundation.

Brouwer, Paula Mary (nee Sharpe)

Tragically, as the result of a car accident, on Wednesday, May 16, 2007 at age 31. Beloved wife of Darren. Loving mother of Micah. Cherished daughter of Gerry and June Sharpe. Dear sister of Stephen. She will be sadly missed by her family: Henry and Jane Brouwer, Eric and Brenda Brouwer, Laura and Pieter Katerberg, Brenda and Ian White, Duane and Trish Brouwer, 15 nieces and nephews, and Katrina McCusker. We praise God for Paula’s vibrant, energetic life of service to our Saviour and Lord, Jesus Christ. She continues to touch many with her compassionate and caring nature. Friends are invited to visit at Calvin Christian Reformed Church, 1475 Merivale Road, on Monday from 2-4 and 7-9pm. Funeral Service will be held at St. George’s Anglican Church, 152 Metcalfe Street, on Tuesday at 10am. For donations in honour of Paula see www.celebratingpaula.blogspot.com. Arrangements in care of the Central Chapel of Hulse, Playfair & McGarry.

Published in the Saturday & Sunday issues of the Ottawa Citizen and the Saturday issue of the Hamilton Spectator

Miracle Micah

In the midst of this terrible time, I just wanted to share one small moment of tremendous joy and laughter that happened today. After arriving back to my family after a long day of making arrangements for the funeral, our son Micah was passed to me and I was told to check out his feet. I was shocked to find that he no longer had any casts and was quickly presented with two tiny little casts. I was even more amazed when I was told that HE had taken them off! One fell off as he was crawling around and another was found with him in his crib...he must have got his leg stuck between the slats of the crib and pulled his leg right out. Wow, is that ever Paula coming out in him!! He doesn't seem to be bothered at all with any pain in this legs and the doctors said that if he's not showing signs of complaint that he won't need new casts. This speaks to the miraculous nature of his life. It is utterly amazing and miraculous that he survived the crash, virtually unscathed. This event is but one of many small graces that God is granting me and my family to get through this difficult time. Please continue to pray.

Dear Friends

Dear Friends,

I am sure that many of you have been waiting for more details about what is happening next in order to find out how to express your grief and pass on condolences. It has been very difficult to begin to make these plans, both from an emotional and logistical point of view. As you can imagine, this is all deeply painful, but also we have the wonderful problem of expecting a tremendous outpouring of support.

Not all of the details have been completely taken care of, but I am conscious that many of you will need to make plans for the long weekend. Here are the general details, with more specific details to be provided when everything is completely finalized. The funeral will take place here in Ottawa at 10 am on Tuesday morning at St. George’s Anglican Church (152 Metcalfe Street). There will be an opportunity for visitation on Monday afternoon (2-4 pm) and evening (7-9 pm) at Calvin Christian Reformed Church (1475 Merivale Road at Gilbey Drive). Please check this website for a further update with confirmed details.

Thank you for all of the support and prayers so far. It has been tremendous. I have really felt that I have been sustained by your prayers. I have had clarity when decisions have had to be made and have felt comfort when I break down and weep.

The comments that have been posted have been extremely meaningful to me, beyond what you can imagine. It keeps me aware of the reality of this tragedy when I am on auto-pilot (this is a good thing) and it bring tears of both sorrow and joy as you share in describing what an amazing woman Paula is. Please keep them coming.

Darren

Why this blog

At 6:35 pm on Wednesday May 16, 2007, Paula succumbed to her injuries sustained in an auto accident, and was taken to the Lord. On Tuesday May 15, Paula and her 10-month old son, Micah, were travelling to visit Paula's parents close to her home in Ottawa. Moments before arriving, her car was struck from behind by a truck. Miraculously, Micah survived the accident and has been released from the hospital. Paula sustained severe injury from the impact. She was rushed to hospital immediately. She died surrounded by her family. It is truly a miracle that Micah survived at all. For this, we are deeply grateful.

Paula truly was a special child of God. As a wife, a mother, a friend, she lived a vibrant, energetic life in service of her Saviour and Lord, Jesus Christ. Many of you have witnessed in her the radical, transformative power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and been touched by her compassionate, caring nature. We will all carry a Paula-sized hole in our hearts for the years to come.

This blog has been created to celebrate Paula's life and impact on those she loved. While condolences are appreciated, you are encouraged to share a memory of your experience of Paula. Micah needs to know his mother and Darren needs to remember his wife. Your stories will ensure that she will remain fresh and vibrant in their memories, just as she was in her life. Darren would also appreciate any photos that will keep those memories fresh. Please send these to darren.brouwer@gmail.com.