Life has changed (a Lament)

Many people have commented to me how they find themselves living, or desiring to live, in a more meaningful way in light of Paula's death and what she aspired to in life. I hope that this desire or intention has not faded away as time has passed since her death with life returning to "normal" again. I hope that you have been changed, not just for a few weeks or months, but that you really have been changed, or are being changed. I know that I have been changed. Into what, I do not know yet.

"If sympathy for the world's wounds is not enlarged by our anguish, if love for those around us is not expanded, if gratitude for what is good does not flame up, if insight is not depeened, if commitment to what is important is not strengthened, if aching for a new day is not intensified, if hope is weakened and faith diminished, if from the experience of death comes nothing good, then death has won. Then death, be proud." (Nicholas Wolterstorff - Lament for a Son)

The above quote comes from a book that I have found to be extremely helpful for finding words to express the grief and sorrow that I have been feeling and for charting a course for my future. He writes incredibly honestly about his experience with death and grief and how it has changed him.

Life has changed irrevocably. There is nothing that can be done to change what has happened. Through what I have been reading, I am finding that what we have to do is respond to this tragedy in some way. Choices will have to be made in how life is lived from now on. My hope is that in time I will have found a way to live in this unexpected and unwanted new reality that is inspired by Paula's life rather than overshadowed and overwhelmed by death. I do not want death to win. I hope the same for all those who knew Paula or who were touched by this tragedy. I expect this to be a long and difficult road and I am only a few steps into this journey. But it is the right road.

Life has changed. I lament the life that will now never be. What will it be now? I do not know. The uncertainty scares me tremendously.

"I shall look at the world through tears. Perhaps I shall see things that dry-eyed I could not see." (Nicholas Wolterstorff - Lament for a Son)

Micah's First Birthday

This week was Micah's first birthday. This is him after eating his birthday cake with lots of chocolate icing! We celebrated his birthday with part of my family at my sister's place in Pembroke. It was a good day, but it was also difficult. On days like this, I miss Paula so much. We've had to celebrate a number of special occasions without her already: Father's Day, my birthday, Paula's mom's birthday. At the end of July will be the 7th anniversary of our wedding. These days are hard.

I'm not sure if anyone is still reading the blog. I have not written anything for a while since I have been away at my parents' place in Hamilton for a period of time. It was good to be away and to spend time with my parents and with friends. My parents were very helpful and allowed me a time to rest and reflect in a way that is difficult to do when I am on my own. Coming back to Ottawa after being away was tough as Paula's absence is so much more pronounced here.

Thank you to all who have emailed, called, sent cards or gifts for these days of celebration. It is nice to be thought of. I still covet your prayers. Please pray for Micah and I as we begin to adjust to this new and unexpected life we find ourselves in. Please pray that God will continue to comfort and guide us through this dark time. Thank you.