Chapter Two

Today is the beginning of year two, chapter two, of Life-without-Paula.

Strangely, I awoke this morning with a little bit more peace, a little less of a heavier heart, and genuine anticipation for what this year holds. I will obviously continue to grieve for Paula, but I think it will be a little less painful and sad. I hope that pictures of Paula and recollection of memories will no longer only bring pangs of sadness over our loss, but bring a slight smile to my face as I recall a joy-filled life with Paula.

Over the past two days, I did a lot of remembering. I entered into memories and past events that I had been too afraid to go into. I read my entire journal over the past year; I read the entire blog again for the first time; I drove the route that Paula drove on that tragic day; I sat at the scene of the accident and watched the still-speeding trucks go by; I visited the hospital where she died; I cried; I wrote more in my journal; I brought flowers to Paula's grave and stayed for a long time.

My journal and the blog were amazing to read again. I am thankful that I had written down the events of the days surrounding her death, because I wouldn't be able to remember many details, as I was in so much shock. Your comments on the blog - the tributes to Paula - brought joy to me as I re-read them all. The sum total of these tributes really capture who Paula was. Thank you to all who have shared.

I miss her so much still - even more so after this time of remembering. But my heart is not as heavy as it once was. Thank you for all your encouraging emails, thoughts, and prayers this week.

Paula's Star Poem

The wonder of it is:
Whatever God creates
He names.
What, after all, is the conception
of babies or stars (or anything else)
but divine love specifically naming?

She was a young woman:
Comet bright, rugby boisterous,
Laughing earth's joy, sobbing its sorrow.
Illuminating with flaring righteousness
the ordered orbits of friends and strangers,
Her passionate caring,
in turn, love-shielded by friends;
Her songs of joy and justice woven
into the universal hymn surrounding her.

She was too young!
Heaven and earth still weep
at the savage galactic gash
inflicted by her sudden eclipse,
Leaving behind
dark desolation.

Yet, the glory of it is:
She is called home,
To join the pure harmonies
of the Christ-starred cosmic chorus,
Or the perfect laughter
of an angelic frisbee match.
Eternally named!

For you, her lover,
Once named to sing her songs,
Husband, her laughter and tears,
Shelter her passion,
Nuture the fierce light
she shed upon the world,

And for you, infant treasure,
Star bones already divinely knitted and reknitted,
You who were cradled
in a more tender light,
Bathed only
in a clear maternal glow

May grief's vast black hole
Be laced with traces of cosmic laughter

May you see again the wonder and the glory.

written by my Aunt Kathy (June 2007)

Tulip Festival

On Saturday, Micah and I walked over to Commissioners Park at Dow's Lake to have a look at the tens of thousands of tulips in full bloom. It was stunning and glorious.

But it was also very difficult. I couldn't help but envy the seemingly happy young families who would smile at Micah and I, happy children with their fathers and mothers out for a day together. That would have been Paula, Micah, and I, and who knows, perhaps a small baby as well. The life that could have been, but now never will be.

This was the last outing we went on with Paula. The pictures I have of her end on that day we went to the Tulip festival last spring. This coming week will mark one year since Paula's life ended so suddenly. I covet your prayers during this time.