Life without Paula...

... is very, very hard. These past two weeks have seemed so unreal, like I have been stuck in a very bad dream. I think I am still very much in shock, as I'm sure most of you are as well. It will take a long time for it to really sink in that Paula is gone. I miss her terribly. In our nearly seven years of marriage, the two of us had really become one in that profound and mysterious way that marriage can be. I feel that half of who I am has been torn from me and I even feel somewhat uncertain of who I am right now and who I will be in the future. This wound will take a long time to heal.

I spent the week from the accident to the funeral at my brother's home, which had been "headquarters" for our families. The day after the funeral, I returned back to our home. The traces of Paula were everywhere: lists of things to do, a book in the middle of being read, photos waiting to be put into an album, etc. On the other hand, it has been nice to be home with Micah and reconnect with him again. I didn't really see all that much of him between the accident and the funeral. He was in great care with Paula's parents and I was only able to spend brief periods of time with him. Thankfully, Paula made sure I was involved in parenting, so I'm not completely at a loss to know what to do to take care of him now. Micah is also a very happy child who loves to eat, sleep, and smile which makes this all a little bit easier for me. I amazed that he is able to bounce back so easily. In a way, he will force me to keep putting one foot in front of the other to move through this tragedy, which is probably a good thing.

On Friday, I dealt with a few things that needed to be attended to.. I have arranged to take some parental leave from my job and my dad helped me find a new car. With these things done, I have some room to breath, spend time with Micah, begin to process what has just happened, and make some plans for what I will do in the months to come. I spent part of the weekend at a friend's parent's cottage in Quebec. It was a nice change of pace, and was able to start writing in a journal about what has happened. Yesterday, Micah and I spent time with Paula's parents. Paula's dad and I picked up my new (to me) car and returned the rental car while Paula's mom watched Micah. Today, is the first day where I don't really have anything that needs to be done. I'm just hanging out with Micah. We went for a walk this morning and went to the swings in the park. It is a beautiful sunny day and we had a great time. He continues to amaze me. Later this afternoon, my parents will arrive and my Mom will spend a few days with us.

I want to thank all of you for your emails, flowers, donations, cards, food, offers of practical help, phone calls, and posts to this blog. Although it is probably not possible for me to get back to you in a prompt manner (or maybe ever), I really appreciate the memories of and tributes to Paula, your prayers and the words of comfort and encouragement that you have sent me. Please keep it coming even though I may not get back to you. It is a comfort to know that I am going through this tragedy with the support of a larger community. Although you cannot completely enter in to my sorrow, know that your support and prayers certainly lift my heavy heart and help to ease my burden. Thank you.

P.S. By the way, for those of you who are on Facebook, there is a group set up in memory of Paula, with some more comments and over 50 pictures that people have posted. I'm totally new to Facebook, but it seems to be a great place to connect with people over the internet.

In celebration of

Paula Mary Sharpe Brouwer
April 19, 1976 (Dublin, Ireland) - May 16, 2007 (Ottawa, Canada)

Service held on May 22, 2007

at St. George's Anglican Church, Ottawa

Scripture Readings:
Micah 6:6-8
Romans 12:1-2,9-21
Isaiah 58:6-12
Psalm 46

Audio of the remembrances by Stephen Sharpe and Eric Brouwer
Audio of the sermon by Rev. Jennifer Wickham

The following appeared on the back of the bulletin at the service

Paula was born in Dublin, Ireland on April 19, 1976, adopted into the Sharpe family, and immigrated to Canada in 1981 with her parents June and Gerry and brother Stephen. They settled in the town of Mackenzie, BC. Growing up, Paula made friends easily and excelled in everything she did. After graduating from high school, she went on to study science at UBC in Vancouver and was awarded a scholarship that gave the opportunity for her to work at the National Research Council in Ottawa for three summers.

It was in Ottawa that Paula found two of her loves, rugby and Darren. She joined the Ottawa Indians Rugby Club, finding a place for her passion, heart, strength, and athletic ability which continued with the UBC women’s varsity rugby team. She so captivated Darren that he joined her in Vancouver to pursue their relationship as well as graduate studies. In Vancouver, they made many lasting friendships and Paula was drawn into a transformative relationship with Jesus Christ. Paula and Darren’s love deepened and they were married in July 2000.

While Paula graduated from UBC with a science degree, she was very aware that a career in science was not for her. Her compassion and love for people, passion for justice, and sense of God’s calling led her to return to UBC to study social work. In 2003 they moved to Southampton, England where Paula thrived in her new role as a social worker. Again, they were shaped by many great friendships.

They returned to Ottawa in 2005 where Paula worked for the Canadian Mental Health Association. In July 2006, Micah was born, a wonderful gift from God. In addition to motherhood, Paula was called to be a leader at St. George’s Church, using her tremendous gifts and passion for mercy, kindness and justice.

Paula was our gift from God. She was taken much too soon. Words cannot express the void she leaves behind. But even as we walk through this valley, we have the confidence that God will sustain and uphold us, as He did Paula.

These short paragraphs do not do even come close to doing justice to Paula’s life and how she impacted every person she met.

To share or to read more stories of Paula’s life, please visit www.celebratingpaula.blogspot.com

Alternatively, you can send condolences, pictures, or stories to darren.brouwer@gmail.com

Memorial Service for Paula in Southampton

For those of you in England, Highfield Church in Southampton is organizing a time at the church when people can gather to remember Paula, to grieve and to pray. This will be happening at 5.30pm, Thursday 24th May.

Memorial Service for Paula in Vancouver

St. John's (Shaughnessy) Anglican Church has graciously scheduled a memorial service for our friends in the Vancouver area who cannot make it to a service in Ottawa. Many of you will remember the church - it is where we got married. The service is on Thursday May 24th at 5:30pm. St. John's is at 1490 Nanton Ave., on the corner of Granville and Nanton, 2 blocks south of King Edward in Vancouver.

Donations

Although Paula loved flowers, we all know that she would much prefer people to give a more lasting and meaningful gift to an organization that she felt passionate about. One difficult decision I have had to make this week was to try and come up with a chartiable organization that people could make donations to in honour of Paula. There were so many causes that Paula was passionate about! Obviously I could not distill her passions into one cause, so I have selected three excellent organizations that reflect the variety of her passions and also honour the time we have spent living in Vancouver, England, and Ottawa. In addition, my family and I would like to honour the absolutely amazing care that Paula and Micah received at the Ottawa hospitals, in particular the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO) where Micah was cared for. Please give as you see fit.

Food for the Hungry UK or Food for the Hungry Canada
As part of the "Make Poverty History" campaign, Paula mobilized our Church in Southampton UK to go beyond sponsoring a child, but to actually sponsor an entire village in Kenya through Food for the Hungry UK! Make a donation in the UK or make a donation in Canada

First Place Pregnancy Centre
Paula had such a strong conviction in the sanctity and dignity of all life and deep compassion for women who found themselves in such a difficult situation. Click here to find out how to make a donation.

A Rocha
Paula was deeply in awe of God's wonderful creation and supported this organization who works to be stewards and to care for God's creation. Follow these links to find out more about the work they are doing in Canada and in the UK. Click here to find out how to make a donation in Canada or to make a donation in the UK

Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO)
The nurses and doctors of CHEO were part of the miracle of Micah's survival. Although I was only at CHEO for a brief visit, my family and friends who spent time there had nothing but amazement and praise for the staff who cared for Micah. Please give so that other people who tragically may find themselved in a situation like ours can be cared for as well as we were. Click here to find out how to make a donation to the CHEO Foundation.

Brouwer, Paula Mary (nee Sharpe)

Tragically, as the result of a car accident, on Wednesday, May 16, 2007 at age 31. Beloved wife of Darren. Loving mother of Micah. Cherished daughter of Gerry and June Sharpe. Dear sister of Stephen. She will be sadly missed by her family: Henry and Jane Brouwer, Eric and Brenda Brouwer, Laura and Pieter Katerberg, Brenda and Ian White, Duane and Trish Brouwer, 15 nieces and nephews, and Katrina McCusker. We praise God for Paula’s vibrant, energetic life of service to our Saviour and Lord, Jesus Christ. She continues to touch many with her compassionate and caring nature. Friends are invited to visit at Calvin Christian Reformed Church, 1475 Merivale Road, on Monday from 2-4 and 7-9pm. Funeral Service will be held at St. George’s Anglican Church, 152 Metcalfe Street, on Tuesday at 10am. For donations in honour of Paula see www.celebratingpaula.blogspot.com. Arrangements in care of the Central Chapel of Hulse, Playfair & McGarry.

Published in the Saturday & Sunday issues of the Ottawa Citizen and the Saturday issue of the Hamilton Spectator

Miracle Micah

In the midst of this terrible time, I just wanted to share one small moment of tremendous joy and laughter that happened today. After arriving back to my family after a long day of making arrangements for the funeral, our son Micah was passed to me and I was told to check out his feet. I was shocked to find that he no longer had any casts and was quickly presented with two tiny little casts. I was even more amazed when I was told that HE had taken them off! One fell off as he was crawling around and another was found with him in his crib...he must have got his leg stuck between the slats of the crib and pulled his leg right out. Wow, is that ever Paula coming out in him!! He doesn't seem to be bothered at all with any pain in this legs and the doctors said that if he's not showing signs of complaint that he won't need new casts. This speaks to the miraculous nature of his life. It is utterly amazing and miraculous that he survived the crash, virtually unscathed. This event is but one of many small graces that God is granting me and my family to get through this difficult time. Please continue to pray.

Dear Friends

Dear Friends,

I am sure that many of you have been waiting for more details about what is happening next in order to find out how to express your grief and pass on condolences. It has been very difficult to begin to make these plans, both from an emotional and logistical point of view. As you can imagine, this is all deeply painful, but also we have the wonderful problem of expecting a tremendous outpouring of support.

Not all of the details have been completely taken care of, but I am conscious that many of you will need to make plans for the long weekend. Here are the general details, with more specific details to be provided when everything is completely finalized. The funeral will take place here in Ottawa at 10 am on Tuesday morning at St. George’s Anglican Church (152 Metcalfe Street). There will be an opportunity for visitation on Monday afternoon (2-4 pm) and evening (7-9 pm) at Calvin Christian Reformed Church (1475 Merivale Road at Gilbey Drive). Please check this website for a further update with confirmed details.

Thank you for all of the support and prayers so far. It has been tremendous. I have really felt that I have been sustained by your prayers. I have had clarity when decisions have had to be made and have felt comfort when I break down and weep.

The comments that have been posted have been extremely meaningful to me, beyond what you can imagine. It keeps me aware of the reality of this tragedy when I am on auto-pilot (this is a good thing) and it bring tears of both sorrow and joy as you share in describing what an amazing woman Paula is. Please keep them coming.

Darren

Why this blog

At 6:35 pm on Wednesday May 16, 2007, Paula succumbed to her injuries sustained in an auto accident, and was taken to the Lord. On Tuesday May 15, Paula and her 10-month old son, Micah, were travelling to visit Paula's parents close to her home in Ottawa. Moments before arriving, her car was struck from behind by a truck. Miraculously, Micah survived the accident and has been released from the hospital. Paula sustained severe injury from the impact. She was rushed to hospital immediately. She died surrounded by her family. It is truly a miracle that Micah survived at all. For this, we are deeply grateful.

Paula truly was a special child of God. As a wife, a mother, a friend, she lived a vibrant, energetic life in service of her Saviour and Lord, Jesus Christ. Many of you have witnessed in her the radical, transformative power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and been touched by her compassionate, caring nature. We will all carry a Paula-sized hole in our hearts for the years to come.

This blog has been created to celebrate Paula's life and impact on those she loved. While condolences are appreciated, you are encouraged to share a memory of your experience of Paula. Micah needs to know his mother and Darren needs to remember his wife. Your stories will ensure that she will remain fresh and vibrant in their memories, just as she was in her life. Darren would also appreciate any photos that will keep those memories fresh. Please send these to darren.brouwer@gmail.com.