... is very, very hard. These past two weeks have seemed so unreal, like I have been stuck in a very bad dream. I think I am still very much in shock, as I'm sure most of you are as well. It will take a long time for it to really sink in that Paula is gone. I miss her terribly. In our nearly seven years of marriage, the two of us had really become one in that profound and mysterious way that marriage can be. I feel that half of who I am has been torn from me and I even feel somewhat uncertain of who I am right now and who I will be in the future. This wound will take a long time to heal.
I spent the week from the accident to the funeral at my brother's home, which had been "headquarters" for our families. The day after the funeral, I returned back to our home. The traces of Paula were everywhere: lists of things to do, a book in the middle of being read, photos waiting to be put into an album, etc. On the other hand, it has been nice to be home with Micah and reconnect with him again. I didn't really see all that much of him between the accident and the funeral. He was in great care with Paula's parents and I was only able to spend brief periods of time with him. Thankfully, Paula made sure I was involved in parenting, so I'm not completely at a loss to know what to do to take care of him now. Micah is also a very happy child who loves to eat, sleep, and smile which makes this all a little bit easier for me. I amazed that he is able to bounce back so easily. In a way, he will force me to keep putting one foot in front of the other to move through this tragedy, which is probably a good thing.
On Friday, I dealt with a few things that needed to be attended to.. I have arranged to take some parental leave from my job and my dad helped me find a new car. With these things done, I have some room to breath, spend time with Micah, begin to process what has just happened, and make some plans for what I will do in the months to come. I spent part of the weekend at a friend's parent's cottage in Quebec. It was a nice change of pace, and was able to start writing in a journal about what has happened. Yesterday, Micah and I spent time with Paula's parents. Paula's dad and I picked up my new (to me) car and returned the rental car while Paula's mom watched Micah. Today, is the first day where I don't really have anything that needs to be done. I'm just hanging out with Micah. We went for a walk this morning and went to the swings in the park. It is a beautiful sunny day and we had a great time. He continues to amaze me. Later this afternoon, my parents will arrive and my Mom will spend a few days with us.
I want to thank all of you for your emails, flowers, donations, cards, food, offers of practical help, phone calls, and posts to this blog. Although it is probably not possible for me to get back to you in a prompt manner (or maybe ever), I really appreciate the memories of and tributes to Paula, your prayers and the words of comfort and encouragement that you have sent me. Please keep it coming even though I may not get back to you. It is a comfort to know that I am going through this tragedy with the support of a larger community. Although you cannot completely enter in to my sorrow, know that your support and prayers certainly lift my heavy heart and help to ease my burden. Thank you.
P.S. By the way, for those of you who are on Facebook, there is a group set up in memory of Paula, with some more comments and over 50 pictures that people have posted. I'm totally new to Facebook, but it seems to be a great place to connect with people over the internet.
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5 comments:
Dear Darren,
Ildefonso e-mailed me about the sad news. I am truly sorry to hear this.
I am touched by your description of Paula and your love towards her. You both are truly a kind-hearted and warm couple. Be strong, Darren, and keep celebrating her love. My prayers for you and your family.
Kindly,
Azizah
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
Dear Darren-
I have nothing but wonderful memories of Paula, and I don't really know where to start in my remeniscence of her.
She was such a big person in my life. I don't think she even knew what an impact she had on me. I first noticed her when she made an announcement at church about a First Place Pregnancy Centre fundraiser. I was pregnant at the time and could hear her passion, love and joy in helping out young moms. I knew right away that she was special.
Throughout my pregnancy, Paula was always the first one to ask how I was doing, and if she could help in any way. Seeing her with Micah lifted my fears about motherhood.
Once Noah was born, she continued to show God's love to me. It was unfathomable!
I remember after a Vestry meeting, Micah was getting over the flu and he pooped all over! I was nursing Noah in the lower hall and had the joy of listening to you guys bathe him in the kitchen sink! I still smile thinking about the amazing team work that went into that job! Afterwards, we sat together for a short while and talked about "mommy things." It was so nice. I always felt like I could ask or discuss anything with her.
We had lots of "mommy talks" after that, and covered everything from delivery to diapering. I remember when she came into the parent and baby group one morning, beaming because Micah had looked at her and said, "Mama" in a way which proved he knew that was her!
She was a strong role model in my life. I hope that I will be as devoted and wonderful a mother to Noah as she has been to Micah. She was supposed to be Noah's Godmother. And now I can't think of anyone else for the job because she was so close to my heart.
I want you to know that if you need ANYTHING, please let me know. Whether it is babysitting, toys or clothes for Micah; or a hand with cleaning or food preparation. You are definitely in my prayers. Paula helped me out when I was in need, and one way to keep her memory alive is to follow her example.
I could probably go on and on about what a fantastic woman Paula was, but you know this better than I! Take your time in mourning, and know that we are all here for you.
Noah and Micah seem to really like eachother. I am so glad that Noah will have the opportunity to be blessed by a part of Paula through a friendship with Micah.
In God's Love; Bekah
Dear Darren,
I have just learned of the tragic news about Paula while travelling to the CSC Conference, where I talked further with John.
It's impossible for others to know just what you are experiencing, but please do be assured that many friends and colleagues are holding you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.
Wishing for the gentle, warm breath of God's comforting spirit to blow over you in the days ahead.
Peter Mahaffy
The King's University College, Edmonton
Darren and Micah,
Where to begin?
After reading through some of the many warm and wonderful responses on this blog, I am sad that I hardly got the chance to know Paula.
Darren, you introduced me to the music of Bruce Cockburn when you came out to Australia in 1999 for my wedding, so maybe it's fitting to use some of Bruce's lyrics:
Joy Will Find A Way
Make me a bed of fond memories
Make me to lie down with a smile
Everything that rises - afterward falls
But all that dies has first to live.
As longing becomes love
As night turns to day
Everything changes
Joy will find a way
Peace to you in troubled times,
Tim and Catherine and Thomas Grootenboer
Port Macquarie, Australia
My sincere condolences on the passing of Paula. I never met her, and I think I havent' seen you since high school graduation, but I wanted to post. I've read only a small portion of the comments on this blog, but it is clear that Paula had a passion for life and for Jesus. What a wonderful testimony. I am glad you have all these stories to share with Micah as he grows.
My prayers are with you and Micah,
Jennifer (Geerts) Brennan
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