Many people have commented to me how they find themselves living, or desiring to live, in a more meaningful way in light of Paula's death and what she aspired to in life. I hope that this desire or intention has not faded away as time has passed since her death with life returning to "normal" again. I hope that you have been changed, not just for a few weeks or months, but that you really have been changed, or are being changed. I know that I have been changed. Into what, I do not know yet.
"If sympathy for the world's wounds is not enlarged by our anguish, if love for those around us is not expanded, if gratitude for what is good does not flame up, if insight is not depeened, if commitment to what is important is not strengthened, if aching for a new day is not intensified, if hope is weakened and faith diminished, if from the experience of death comes nothing good, then death has won. Then death, be proud." (Nicholas Wolterstorff - Lament for a Son)
The above quote comes from a book that I have found to be extremely helpful for finding words to express the grief and sorrow that I have been feeling and for charting a course for my future. He writes incredibly honestly about his experience with death and grief and how it has changed him.
Life has changed irrevocably. There is nothing that can be done to change what has happened. Through what I have been reading, I am finding that what we have to do is respond to this tragedy in some way. Choices will have to be made in how life is lived from now on. My hope is that in time I will have found a way to live in this unexpected and unwanted new reality that is inspired by Paula's life rather than overshadowed and overwhelmed by death. I do not want death to win. I hope the same for all those who knew Paula or who were touched by this tragedy. I expect this to be a long and difficult road and I am only a few steps into this journey. But it is the right road.
Life has changed. I lament the life that will now never be. What will it be now? I do not know. The uncertainty scares me tremendously.
"I shall look at the world through tears. Perhaps I shall see things that dry-eyed I could not see." (Nicholas Wolterstorff - Lament for a Son)
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4 comments:
Darren, I can only speak for the way Paula's life and death have impacted my family and, to some extent, our community of St. George's. The impact is felt - if not daily, weekly. Just today in the office her name came up in the context of a meeting someone had with her early in May, and a commitment was made to keep her vision going - her flame burning. Of course, we're not so naive as to think it was her vision alone, for it was God's - His passion burning in her.
What is freaky is the ways we are reminded of Paula when we least expect it. I found her name/phone number scribbled on a piece of paper in my purse. Bekah found a card Paula had written when she dusted behind her dresser. Your names on a gift tag fell from amidst some random papers. These reminders that she was present with us, but has now been elevated to one of the "great cloud of witnesses," motivate us to keep the fire burning. And to "seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly with God."
I am so sorry that you have been called to walk through this pain, but thank you for not shunning it. We can see that you're letting God do what He wants with it; that you are growing through it even as the tears fall. I often find myself meditating on St. Paul's longing "to know Christ, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings..." It's easy to say we want to know Christ, and of course we want the power, but there can't be a resurrection without a death. Few have the courage to ask to share in His sufferings, but I know in my heart that when they do, they find a new kind of life; one that does not need to be "happy" in order to be worthwhile.
Thank you for the transperancy of your heart as you blog, and for inviting the rest of us to stand beside you in this hallowed place. I trust it contributes to your healing as it keeps Paula's dreams alive to inspire and spur us on.
Blessings,
Beth Shirey
Darren, this is Bill Fledderus writing to say that Susan and I are keeping you and Micah in our prayers and still checking the blog regularly. May God bless you. BF
Hey Darren, I was thinking of you today as I was home alone with Finley while Alice took Molly to Legoland. Aren't sons great! I wish I'd taken a photo at supper tonight as Finley's face rivalled that great chocolate cake photo of Micah: by the time Fin had finished his bolognese and yogurt he was totally covered - he might as well have had a bath in the stuff!
The book you've been reading sounds great by Mr Wolterstorff (Gould suddenly seems such a dull surname!) I particularly like the quote about not letting death win by aching for a new day. That sums up how Paula's death has challenged me.
When thinking how I should respond to Paula's leaving at first I thought I should go and buy half a ton of Fair Trade raisins or write to my MP about world poverty or global injustice. But then I thought those were (some of) the things Paula was passionate about, those were the things God had put on her heart. On reflection, what I have taken from Paula's example is the importance of being passionate about the things God has called me to do. I know He's called me to teach and Paula's example, and then Nicholas Wolterstorff's words, reminded me that I need to do it with passion.
So thank you for continuing the blog. It's been brilliant to read your words (who'd have thought a scientist could be so eloquent?!) and God is continuing to use both you and Paula: Paula through the example she set and you through your witness and your amazing testimony about how God has supported you through this time.
I'm going to email you to keep you posted with our house move. Be warned - it's an epic!
Jon Gould
Hi Darren I don't know if you remember me but my husband Pete and I used to live in Ottawa and were good friends with Paula through rugby. I've been thinking about Paula, you, and Micah constantly since I heard Paula had passed away. I'm sorry I haven't sent you a note earlier - I am so happy actually to see that you are still blogging and that you have some many wonderful comments, pictures, etc. from you and the people that know and love you and Paula and Micah. It is wonderful to know that Micah (and you) will have these as Micah grows up.
I have no pictures but warm memories of Paula, and it has been sad of course, but also really lovely to see all these pics of her. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, comments, pain, memories, etc. Pete and I (and Drew, our 4 year old) send our love to you & Micah and Paula is in our hearts. xo jen
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