I feel that I am in limbo, stuck between two lives, the life with Paula that was and the life that will be that may be starting to show signs of taking shape (although it is a long way down the road yet). It is a pretty bleak place. It's hard to be happy about this in-between life. What I want is my old life with Paula back. Since I can't have that, well, then I want my new life. But I can't have that yet either. Loneliness... grief... patience... trust...
"In the valley of suffering, despair and bitterness are brewed. But there also character is made. The valley of suffering is the vale of soul-making"
(Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son)
I hope this is true.
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11 comments:
You don't know me, and I don't know you. However, I have been reading your blog religiously, for reasons I am not sure of. I felt the need to tell you that though we have never met, I will pray for you every day. For the strength to continue on each day, and the patience to trust God's unimaginable will. I cannot begin to understand what you have been through, but please know that there are people you don't even know who are praying desperately for your well-being and continued healing. You are not alone, I can promise you that much.
I check your blog regularly via Marisa VanderVeens blog. You and Micha have been in my thoughts a lot over the last half year and we pray for you too! May God bring you soon to the "next place" so that you can get out of this place that is obviously not at all easy to be in and may He bring you joy, happiness and laughter once again.
Anita Lubbers (Kraayenbrink, went to Redeemer from '92 to '96)
I wonder how many of us there are Darren, loving you and praying for you, although we don't know you. Only in Heaven will you know.
Hi Darren and Micah,
Continuing to hold you both up in prayer as are so many more.
Strength and courage,
Yvonne and Terry Veldboom
I'm *so* sorry for your loss, but am also thankful for this incredible place that the Lord has you--where only He can truly minister to you as you need. You will know Him--*do* know Him, I'm reading here--more profoundly than most of us have had the opportunity to.
And you will have *excited sigh* such praise to share with Paula when it's your turn to "move" Home.
Raise Micah well. Teach him that Jesus doeth all things well. And may His deep love envelope you this day, and the next...
I have to echo all that Anonymous wrote on 28 November. You don't know me either and I never met you or Paula. I only know of your great sorrow through a rather indirect connection from St. George's. I was praying for you all in the days following Paula's death and it is time for me to resume that as you dwell in this valley of shadow. Your blog, experience, and the account of Paula's life and death have moved me profoundly. Yes, there are strangers out there who are praying and stand in solidarity with you and Micah, as feeble as we are, and we continue to read your blog. May the Lord give you strength to lead and guide you in all things to come! Having patience and trust is so difficult.
May the Lord have mercy!
I haven't read here in a while, I didn't know you were still writing. Thank you for continuing share and to allow us all to mourn and heal with you. Sheila
We are strangers to each other and yet my family prays for yours daily.
Know that you have friends in Alabama that are thinking about you.
Continuing to pray for you and Micah, especially as you face the holidays without Paula. May the Lord lift you up and comfort you.
My First Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below
With the tiny lights, like Heaven’s stars
Reflecting on the snow
The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that tear
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year
I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can’t compare
With the Christmas choir up here
I have no words to tell you
Of the joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description
To hear the angels sing
I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart
But I’m not so far away
We really aren’t apart
So be happy for me dear ones
You know I hold you near
And be glad I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift
From my heavenly home above
I sent you each a memory
Of my undying love
After all love is a gift more precious
Than pure gold
It was always most important
In the stories that Jesus told
Please love and keep each other
As my Father said to do
For I can’t count the blessings
Of the love He has for you
So have a Merry Christmas
And wipe away that tear
Remember I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
God's hand
Scoopng out oceans
Heaping up mountains
Flinging forth stars
Moulding a man
Leading His people
Dragging a cross
Cupping a nail
Reaching for me
Wiping my tears
Holding my hand
Forever.
May this be deeply true for both you and Micah, Darren.
With very much love at this tough time of year,
Victoria and Al x
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