Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Rings

For those of you who have had a look at my hand you may have noticed that I wear Paula's wedding band on my little finger, beside my ring finger on which I still wear my wedding ring. This is very meaningful for me, as I have been wearing her ring since that tragic day when the nurse handed me a package of Paula's personal effects prior to her going into the emergency surgery to attempt to save her life. I remember instinctively putting on her rings on my little fingers as soon as I received them from the nurse. I think I continue wear her wedding band because it is so hard to contemplate the fact that I am actually no longer married.

However, there is a problem. The ring is slightly too big for my finger. It tends to slip off in the cold. Like tonight. I arrived back from a long drive from Hamilton to another snowstorm in Ottawa. After unpacking the car and bringing my things to the back entrance, I shovelled about 15 cm of snow off the driveway. When I was finished, Paula's wedding ring was no longer on my finger. As you can imagine, I freaked out and frantically and desparately (and hopelessly, really) looked for this small ring in all that snow, in the dark. I was devestated. Eventually I had to give up looking and went to bring my things from the back entrance up to my apartment. And.. lo and behold, there was Paula's ring on the floor beside my suitcase.

To be honest, I wasn't that surprised. This isn't the first time this has happened. A few weeks ago, I had a similar frantic moment when I realized the ring had slipped off. After a desparate search around my surroundings, I eventually found the ring in my coat pocket a few minutes later.

In the summer, while I was camping with some friends, I suddenly realized that I was missing one of Paula's rings I used to wear on my other litle finger (a beautiful Irish claddagh ring that her parents gave her). We were on a sandy campsite and I had no idea when or where I had lost it. After a hopeless search of the campsite, I had to give up looking for it. I remember being quite distraught and giving this loss of her ring much meaning, somehow symbolic of losing another piece of her. However, two months later I was cleaning out the backpack that I use for Micah's diapers and things and found this same ring at the very bottom of one of the seldomly used pockets.

I started out wearing all her rings that the nurse gave me at the hospital, her Irish claddagh ring, her wedding band, and the engagement ring I gave her when I proposed. After "losing" the claddagh ring in the summer, I decided I didn't want to risk losing the engagement ring. (Plus, the diamond ring looked pretty silly on my finger). The engagement ring is set aside should Micah ever want to use it. But I could not bring myself to not wear her wedding band.

Until tonight. I really thought I had lost it for good this time. I can't take that chance anymore. The third time I doubt I will be so fortunate. This ring is something I need to keep. However, I am sad that I won't be wearing it anymore. Not wearing this ring is somehow another sign or symbol of having to let her go. It makes me incredibly sad. However, at least I am giving it up on my terms and keeping it safe rather than losing it for good, never to be seen again.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Darren and Micah. Still reading and love so much that you continue to write and share. About those rings, what about wearing them around your neck on a really strong chain, close to the heart? Blessings, Yvonne Veldboom

Anonymous said...

Treasure the rings. They will always have bitter sweet memories but memories just the same especially for a little boy who barely knew his mom. It is our hope and prayer that you will one day be able to look at them with a little less sadness. How hard this must be for you. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Margaret Van der Meulen (Van der Veen) said...

Hey Darren

Have Paula's ring sized to fit your pinky finger. My mother did that with my father's ring.
I pray for you and Micah daily.

Margaret Van der Meulen
(HDCH clasmate)